Change?

Who am I? Who are you? We have our titles or course. Daughter, sister, wife, mother, employee... etc. They mean so much and they mean so little. Being a wife (daughter, mom, etc) can mean everything in the world or nothing at all. How is that? How can it change so suddenly. Maybe once you are and then you aren't. Your a wife, then you aren't. If your title is gone, what else leaves?

How do we decide who we are going to be? What defines us? I thought I was someone. Someone who could verbalize every thought, feeling and desire that entered my head. But what I found is that when it really matters, I won't let those thoughts loose. I keep them. Hidden. My mom once told me "You will be okay when someone you love dies because you will talk about it". I thought she was SO right. No. We were so wrong.

I wish. I wish I had been someone different that night. That night that my dad died. It changed me. It changed me forever. It changed every single thing about me. It made me question who I was. What was important. That night... that night I realized I wasn't who I thought I was. I would do things so different. I would have left my husband be there for me like he wanted. I would have refused to be strong. I would have accepted long tear filled hugs from my brothers. I would have been so different.

What I did was deal with things. Which is so odd. That is not me. I am the youngest, not quite a princess but I expect to be taken care of. That night, I took care. What I wish I would have done... Let my husband go with me to the hospital. Cried on him, screamed in his arms. Let go. Yell! Scream! Cry! Anything but what I did.

You can never go back in life. I only hope I am more prepared to be there for someone else or will be who I think I need to be (for myself) next time. No one knows how they are going to react. No one. I think I would feel more... well just feel more had I been different that night.

I can no longer allow thoughts to just flow through my head. My mind needs to be busy at all times. Free time equals pain. If I lay in bed awake, tears will come. They are not healing tears. I don't even believe in such a thing anymore. I have always hated crying myself to sleep, now I fear it. I read a book until I am ready to pass out. My sleep is less and less lately. I am staying up later and later. Sometimes I fear it.

I know things will get better. They have gotten somewhat better. I don't know if they will ever be good. All the things my dad won't be here for... Krystal's high school graduation in a couple of months, Bradley trying out for football, Siobhan in a kindergarten play, Diego out of diapers.

I am a mom, sister, wife and a daughter. I am less of a daughter because I have less of a family to be a daughter too. Change. I never did care for it.

HE DID IT

Diego went pee pee in the potty. Oh my gosh! I am so excited. Everytime we even ask him if he wants to sit on it he says No. We have had him sit on it a few times in the last couple of days. He was sitting there and he said "It's working!". ha ha He was going! Oh yes! Big boy!

I did the most unthinkable act

I put Windows on my Mac. I ONLY did it for work, but oh I am so sad. I feel like I crossed over to the dark side! The program we use for work can only be used through Internet Explorer 6.0, the Mac version only goes up to 5 something. I can't believe I have to use Internet Explorer much less WINDOWS!

Ahh, my mac please forgive me! I promise to only switch when I HAVE to work. Please forgive me!

What time is dinner?

Ever wonder why we eat lunch and dinner when we do? If so, click here to find out!

Save the cheerleader, save the world!

Yeah! Heros is all new tomorrow. I enjoy that show. I always notice that when it ends, I have been sort of holding my breath. Intense!

My tub

Well it has taken weeks and weeks but the tile is off, the tub is out and I finally went and bought the new tub today. Ahhh, okay, there are no promises on when it will actually be IN, but at least it is here at our house. We have to wait for the electrician and the plumber. Hey, my part is done! Oh shoot, I guess we still have to pick tile, but well... that should be easy enough. Oh and paint the restroom. Shit! We will never be done. ha ha

Our sweet Siobhan!

Copied from Eric's Flickr page


I was sanding our pinche front door today and noticed Siobhan walking around holding something delicately in her hand. She came over and told me she had found a Ladybug that didn't go away when she picked it up. She LOVES ladybugs, but never can catch them because they fly away.

This one didn't fly away, so she caught it and carried it around for a bit before she came over to me.

When she showed it to me I noticed it was not moving. It was dead. How do you explain death to a five year old? She and her Big Brother Bradley buried it in the yard and said a prayer for it.

vacation- is OVER

Diego asleep in his car seat. He NEVER falls asleep in there!

My vacation is over and I did nothing. Nothing exciting. Nothing different. Nothing! What a waste. I could have been at work and been sick. geez My head hangs low!

Day three of vacation

Literally slept all day. I missed the first home Galaxy game (watched it on TV, they lost). Donovan sucks. I don't care what people say. He is only a good player when he is all alone with the ball, no one within 15 feet of him. Otherwise, he is.. not good! Here is a picture I took from Eric's flickr page of Siobhan, Diego, Krystal and Elizabeth (K's friend) at the game.


I had such plans for the day too. Instead it was wasted sleeping. This whole "vacation" has been wasted. Shame!

Day two of vacation

Sick. My oldest brother came over so I rushed home from Mervyn's to see my nephew. He is so cute! I went out later and bought a mattress for Siobhan's new bed (she photo below). Then took her out for a while so her older brother and sister could get it all ready for her!

Siobhan's new bed

She finally has a big girl bed. It was a surprise and she was SO excited. She is still excited. Ahh, why do they have to grow up?

Day one of vacation

We hung out. I made a trip to Target to get some stuff and picked up some sandwiches at Mattern's (yummy). Siobhan spent most of the day with her Nana. We went and got the Wiiplay for the Wii. We have been looking all over for it and finally one store had it. Thanks to Mark, it was free. We used our Christmas gift card.

Still fighting this cold or whatever it is.

Congratulations Andrea and Jeremy! What a beautiful little girl!

Where have I been?

trying to remember my stupid Google password. Finally!

Eric, the kids and I took the Metro-link train up to Olvera Street on Saturday. It was great. Round trip tickets were $6.50 and SIobhan and Diego were free. The ride was only about 45 minutes. We made up the difference on lunch, but well, it was fun!

They had the blessing of the animals. Eric re-fell in love with the hairless dog see here. I think we will have a new addition soon!

Eric has been sick since Wed night. I have a really bad sore throat. We both work today but then we are off the rest of the week. The kids have spring break, so we will all be home together.

Easter went okay. Really didn't feel like doing much. My mom came over for a little bit to watch the kids hunt for eggs. She brought her new boyfriend. He seems really nice. Spoils her and that is what she deserves.

I gotta get ready for work now. A one day work week, oh how will I make it through? I have to leave at lunch, Krystal and her friend Elizabeth are taking Siobhan to Chuck E Cheese. They are so excited about it (Krystal and Elizabeth!). You would never guess these girls are 17!