Saturday, August 12, 2006

almost...

In our room cleaning. iPod kicking some tunes. A song comes on. One that makes me think of my dad. Weird thing about songs. If my dad were alive and I thought of him while listening to this song, there would be something really wrong with it. But the thing is, with my dad gone, there are no barriers. There is nothing to stop ANYTHING reminding me of him. Eric and I were watching The Shawshank Redemption, and something started me crying. No my dad was never in prison, it wasn't the story. It was one little two line dialogue. But that is just it. Everything reminds me. A love song, one that previously would make me think of another lifetime, makes me think of my dad. The thing is, with songs, it is all about what you take out of it? Right?! I mean, the same song can mean totally different things to so many people. I am a lyric listener. I love to know WHAT the song says. (Okay, I still like Journey), so usually it hits me while listening to music. My dad, mom, brothers and I spent many hours in the car singing along to an 8 track. And of course, later CD's.

So there I am, cleaning. (Which is NOT something I am prone to do). Tears are beginning to come. I try to hold them back. Suddenly all I can think is how I want to scream out. I want to throw out an animal cry. A scream that will allow all my emotions to break through. I mean, I am almost there. I can do it. Wait, if I do, what is Eric going to think? He is in the other room. Surely he will think I have impaled with something. I can not scare him like that. So, I hold back. The tears slow and then stop. See, the thing is, I can't really let go a little. It just isn't in me. I thought I would deal with death so well, but alas I think I am on the verge.

Eric, be ready. Those bouts I have, crying on the way to work. Crying in bed, while watching tv, while... nothing. I think they are all building up. I think I just might be ready to burst.

2 comments:

mackeydoodle said...

Just curious Di, have you recieved any counselling for the grieving you have been going through?
It might be a good idea.
((((hugs)))) to you.

andrea said...

I'm so sorry these spells keep coming on, Di. I can only imagine how hard it must be, even many months later. Hang in there. Talking to someone might help, like MD said above. And keep writing about it here. Anything but holding it in!

Here's a hug,
Andrea