Saturday, July 29, 2006

pressure

My emotions have been getting the best of me lately. Tears I can usually hold at bay, fighting their way through. Making an entrance, taking control of the rest of me. Not letting me be me. I spend so much time fighting them, I hardly remember why. I was up late last night. Went to bed tired and could think of nothing but my dad. Try as I may, nothing!

Tears. more tears. Sobbing. I watched the DVD of my dad that Eric made. Heart wrenching, blinding tears. The worst part, it doesn't help. I don't feel better afterwards. Usually I am a fan of crying. You cry, you feel better. It isn't working now. Last night all I really wanted to do was break something. I know the Five Stages of Death and Dying. Whatever! My five stages are mixed up, in a drink, some pass right through, others seep out like vapors. Taking over.

I don't know how much more I can handle. Am I going to become some kind of basket case? Will I just start having emotional break downs at the worst possible moments? Will Eric have to admit me into some kind of hospital? Okay, so it isn't that bad. But have you ever, truly been unable to control yourself? That is how I feel. I have NO control over me. If I don't, who does?

2 comments:

Jill said...

I wish I had some wonderful insight that would help make you feel better...I asked Russell if anything makes it easier for him....he said talking with family and friends telling stories helps. He said he still wakes up every morning thinking about coffee with his Dad and he would give anything to have one more argument with his Mom. I guess it those same memories that cause us pain that keep them alive in us forever.

julie said...

Yes, I can remember a time in my life that I felt out of control. I was suffering from a broken broken heart. Nothing I could do could change the way I felt. It sucked. Only as time passed did I tend to regain 'control'. I think it is natural to feel out of control or a little bit embarrassed almost of our emotions when we can't hold them in anymore. But its good that you express them. Better than holding them in to explode when you're like 85 or something.