Sunday, September 17, 2006

Light the Night

Last night my mom, Krystal, Siobhan and I went to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light the Night at Anaheim Stadium. We arrived at 3 to help set up the booth for UCI Medical Center. The whole thing was pretty cool. There were a lot of companies there but there were a lot of individual teams as well. Team so and so, whomever they were remembering or fighting for. That was amazing. So many people there to fight for the same cause. Of course, we walked in remembrance of my Dad.

It was really hard to hear people speak. Hard to hold the emotions back. In a few more days, it will have been a year since my dad passed away. All I seem to be able to think about is that night. Getting the phone call, thinking he was dead, then thinking it was okay, getting to the hospital only to find out it was too late.

So many people tell you that time heals. And I suppose it does somewhat. But you know what really makes the difference? The people around you. If my husband were any different kind of man I am sure he would have left me by now. He has had to deal with my rage, depression, and worse of all, my indifference. I think that is what breaks up marriages. How can you care about your family when you just don't care? He has been amazing and even in those days where things aren't aren't great, I am so thankful for him. He understands what my dad meant to me and he knows it is not easy what I am going through.

I used to think I wore my emotions on my sleeve. I am so easy to cry. I have since found out that that is NOT the case. I try so hard to hold everything in. Weird how you THINK you know yourself. I feel like a deflated balloon that is getting ready for a fight. I know that is probably not a very expressive analogy but that is how I feel. How can I prepare when there is nothing left?

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