Sunday, March 04, 2007

Beyond

It's funny. Sometimes you think life has given you more than your fair share. You know what pain is. You have been through it. Then something else hits you, and you realize you had no idea at all what pain was.

I have experienced pain. Pain that before I knew it would bring tears at the thought of it. Now that that pain is here, it is beyond tears. Beyond explanation. Beyond words. It is beyond, but it is also right here.

The absence of someone is never easy no matter the reason. The failure of someone to ever be able to return, beyond. Beyond knowledge. Beyond dreaming. Beyond comprehension.

What if there were no heaven? What if there is nothing after? I remember Philosophy class. Man created Heaven because we are scared of "after". I believe in heaven. But what if? What if there is NO chance of seeing my dad ever again in all eternity. What if he is beyond? Nope, can't be. If there were no hope, well...there would be nothing.

Each day, my pain is here. Most times it is so strong, it threatens to take over, so it must be pushed down. Pushed to where it can't escape. On it's way, maybe a tear is shed. Maybe a stray thought. Maybe just maybe I can actually put together some words that are the tip of how I hurt. But not usually. Usually, push! harder and harder! The more you can push your pain down, the less you have to think of it. No pain no gain? No thank you!

Beyond words. Although I continue to try. My dad is beyond me. Maybe he is here with me. Maybe one day my dam will break. Maybe one day, maybe...

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Oh my precious friend... I am so sorry to hear about how painful this really is for you. My heart aches for you. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just know how much you are loved!