Daddy, where are you?

I think the denial is starting to wear off. So many weeks now that I have been able to talk about my Dad with no problem. Almost as if I was talking about someone else. Lately though, the thoughts of him bring tears. There is a general sadness inside of me that won't seem to go away. Last night I was watching TV, flipping the channels, and all of a sudden the tears come. No longer am I trying to hold them back. Before I was afraid if I let them come they would never stop. Now I am afraid if I don't let them come I will never be able to cry again.

So many emotions. So many memories. I always smile when I think of my Dad. He wasn't perfect but he was the perfect Daddy for me. He was everything I needed. He let me be who I wanted to be but was there to pick me up or guide me when I asked for it. I told him of this often, that I was so glad both of my parents let me be who I thought I should be. But they were (and Mom still is) THERE. Maybe when your children get older that is what parenting is about. Being there. You do what you can to shape them, teach them right from wrong, and then they grow. Being there. There to help, talk, bail out, whatever.

I don't know. All I do know is I planned to have MANY, MANY more years with my Dad and now I don't. It doesn't matter how many good memories you have, you still want more. My whole body aches for one more hug.