two weeks or a lifetime?

It has been two weeks since my dad passed away. It feels as though it has already been a lifetime. How can he be out of reach? When I hugged him as he lay there, soul gone, I kept thinking, "Why isn't he hugging me?". Crazy I know.

Most moments are spent trying not to think about how he will never hug me. Never kiss me. Never again pick up Diego or talk to Siobhan and show her something cool. He won't see Bradley play soccer or Krystal run another race. Okay, I know he will see them, but we won't see him seeing them.

My heart aches for a word, a touch, a kiss, anything. Even when I was a teenagers my Grandma Faldowski would tease me because I had to be RIGHT by my dad. If he was on the couch, there I was next to him. We spent a lot of time apart from the time I was about 8 to 12. I never saw my father cry as when he said goodbye to me. Now I am the one saying goodbye. And frankly, I can't!

I don't want to. I don't care if I have to, I don't want to! I know it will get better. It has to, because I don't think it can get worse.

Sometimes I look at pictures of him and I smile. I know he loved me with all he could. I loved him like only a girl can love her Daddy (especially being the only girl out of four kids!). I know he believed in me and never stopped letting me be me. I told him often that I loved him for letting me make my own mistakes. Oh, he was there to bail me out, but never said even one "I told you so". He just wasn't like that. He didn't say anything. He was just there! Solid! Without fail. He was so easy to smile. Oh, he got mad mind you, but it was usually over nothing and very short lived. I ALWAYS knew I could count on my Dad for anything. ANYTHING! So, now what?

Now what? I am a strong believer in Heaven. But hey, I took philosophy too. Some say we believe in Heaven because we fear death. I don't think that is the case. But I do find myself thinking that there HAS to be a Heaven because if I can't someday be with my Dad again, I don't think I could make it through even one day now.

I try and be strong. I try to hold back the tears. I try and think of what he would want and it would not be for me (or any of use) to shed tears for him. Usually when I cry I don't even know what the hell brought it on. No song, no thought, no memory, just tears.

Someday I guess I will find better words to describe all the pain going on but for now I just try and push it away. Please, bare with me and my ramblings on, I will find other topics as well. I think....