To my Dad

Dear Daddy,

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. Usually in the car as I am singing along to whatever tune is playing as loudly as possible. My heart still aches for you. Five years you have been gone and still the pain is here. It isn’t as disabilitating as it once was but still, I fear giving into it.

You were always my Daddy. You were everything to me. Even as a teenager I wanted to be with you. Sitting by you. Holding your hand. I still have fond memories of Grandma joking because I always wanted to be right by you.

We were so similar. Such smartasses. Not many people could handle or understand our sarcasm. I once read that sarcasm is a form of anger and had to laugh. For some, it is simply a way of life.

Rarely a temper would flare. I know you tried to keep them at bay because your biological father was a mean one. I only recall once that you were ever really mad at me although I deserved it much, much more. Luckily for us, the Pap-Pap we had loved and never got mad.

I know there was so many times I disappointed you but you let it go. Both you and mom were amazing that way. Let me make mistakes, learn from them, and go on.

I miss you. I miss your laughter. I miss your singing. I miss your ring tapping on the steering wheel. I don’t miss arguing with you. I love to argue but never with you, not sure why that is.

Five years. Seems like yesterday. Seems like a million years. I wish you were here to see Siobhan and Diego grow. Watch Diego play soccer. I wish you were here to talk to Krystal and Bradley and help them grow. I wish, I wish, I wish.

Mostly I push the feelings away. I think of you but I have to stop. I do not like not being in control. Thinking of you will often bring tears and I fear the unstoppable tears. Sometimes I have to skip a song in the car because I know that I can’t handle hearing it. Sometimes the screams of pain feel like they might just escape. What if that happens and there is no end? Nonetheless you were the best Daddy for me. I miss you endlessly. You’re my heart. I am you. I love you daddy!