one month and counting

I return to work one month from today. I have been off since May 24th. Am I eager to return? Partically. Why is it that we often define who we are by the work we do? Although I work for a non-profit agency that helps low income families by providing child care payments, I often feel I don't do enough. Should I volunteer as well? Shouldn't I feel complete with a job (which I love) a wonderful husband and four kids. Isn't my life full enough, yet I don't FEEL like I do enough. Who is judging me? Isn't is just me? And if so, why am I so hard on myself?

Odd, though, the things we think about ourselves. Things we may never let anyone else know (until you get a blog). We judge ourselves so much harder then most people (at least I do). I know my shortcomings, those I wasn't aware of have been pointed out to me, and although I might seemingly not care, I do.

I care about people probably more then I should. I have been told not to be so nice, but how can that be when I am a complete bitch the rest of the time. I know this about myself. I am sarcastic, no thanks to my dad, and love it. I have read that being sarcastic is a sign of hiden hostility, I don't buy it. I express myself pretty well. I ususally say what I am thinking, but being sarcastic is part of who I am. I am also usually quite literal, a trait which drives my husband nuts. (sorry babe!) But when something goes wrong, my fault or not, I am first to blame myself. I am easy to cry, which might seem as though I am sad that someone is upset with me, but it is often because I am upset with myself. Anything I can be blamed for, I have already blamed myself endlessly. I HATE to let people down.

Sorry for getting way off the subject here. Work. hhmmm. I love what I do. I have some REALLY good friends at work, they make the day. Because wherever there is good, there is...not good. I will be as nice as possible (not the same as letting someone in while driving) but there are some people at work, that don't deserve to have even the smallest space in my thought process. They are evil and mean, they don't have a work ethic, they are people who take others work as their own, and blame others for their misfallings. I don't like that. No matter who you are, if you aren't doing what you love, you are the only one to blame. Get out. Take responsibility for what is yours, good or bad. Frankly, I think those are words to live by.

So, I am looking forward to returning to work. To earning a paycheck again. To seeing my friends. To doing the job I love that makes me feel as though I make a difference in the community (although not enough of one, always hard on myself), but what will I leave behind. No more laying in bed in the morning with Siobhan. Holding her close, kissing, talking, telling each other how much we love each other. Holding little Diego all day, seeing him smile up at me throughout the day.

Things are so hard. I guess I should be happy that I am lucky enough to have a job that I love as well as a family that I love beyond anything I thought I could know.

So, one more month of freedom and it will be back to the 9-5 (does anyone actually work those hours?, okay 8:30-5). I will miss many things, I will come home upset sometimes, but I as long as I am coming home to Eric, Krystal, Bradley, Siobhan and Diego it will all be okay no matter what the day may bring!