Day in, day out

What do people who are home all day, do all day? How many loads of laundry can one do before going nuts? Each day is no different then the next. I often have to check to find out what day it is. Now don't get me wrong, I love laying in bed every morning with Siobhan (who found her way there sometime in the night), laughing and talking, I treasure that time. I like being lazy in the morning, eating a real breakfast sometimes, cleaning a little before I dress. But really, have I come to be one of those people who values themselves because of the job they do? Am I only worth something when I go to work? I have no income so I am dependant on Eric for money. I actually had to ask for money to go shopping. (well not ask, but you know what I mean). And he is wonderful. He loves that I am home for an extended maturnity leave to be with all the kids this summer. He has not said anything about staying home all day and save money. So I know it is me. I think I blame the lack of complete happiness on my personality. I am not the type of person who enjoys being by herself. I need people. I need to talk. I need to laugh. I need contact. I need...adults. I am enjoying my time home because it is limited, but frankly if I was a stay at home mom, what would I do? Once the kids go back to school, what will that be like? What does one do with one's self all day at home? Are most stay at home moms expected to have dinner on the table when the husband comes home? (sorry Eric, you know that won't happen). I often don't even think of dinner until Eric is home. Should the house be spotless, Lord help us if we are waiting for me to do it. I realize my faults, I know I should do more. Thank goodness I usually have the excuse of work. I know that I am loved and accepted no matter my faults, by those around me. But what about me? Do I think it is okay that I, not only don't wish to stay at home full time, but don't become the best wife/mother that I can while I am here?

Maybe I am simply being. Auughhh, I feel as though I go on and on and don't get anywhere. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love my dogs. I love my life, I know I have it a lot easier then most. I think, though, that I also love my job. I don't mean the job I do, I know I love that. I didn't spend all those years of college to do something I don't love, but I think I love who my job makes me. I love the person I am at work as well as at home. I would like more time at home, but I don't think I could ever give up my job. Does that make me a worse mom? A bad wife? Aren't I supposted to WANT to be home with them all the time? Isn't that what society tells us? That working mothers only work because they have to? Maybe I don't have to, but I sure like to most of the time.

Well, I think Diego might have fallen back asleep. I think I will go climb in bed and hold Siobhan very close to me, smell her, and give her a million kisses.