up again

What I wouldn't do for one full nights sleep. If Diego doesn't wake up, it is Siobhan. If Siobhan doesn't wake up, it is something in my head that won't allow me to sleep (Dad). This is seriously driving me nuts. I don't mind if the kids wake now and again because it isn't usually them. It isn't as if I am having a dream of my dad or anything, I just find I can't sleep and assume that is what it is, maybe not, who knows!

The other night I went to bed at 8. Siobhan was laying in bed with me (still not her bedtime yet) and we were reading. I think I fell asleep about 8:30. I had a really good nights sleep. I was so tired. I am always tired lately, but it isn't a sleepy tired. I am emotionally tired. So tired.

I am scared. I am afraid of the prayer at the family party Saturday. I am afraid I won't be able to hold it together. I WILL NOT break down crying so what are my other options? I just try and hold everything back. Try not to feel anything. I am afraid of hugs lately. I am afraid to feel anything. If I let go, maybe I will begin crying and never be able to stop.

Every time I have let myself cry, I don't feel better afterwards. Usually I feel better after a cry but not in the last two and a half months. Oh no, Siobhan just came in here and I hear Diego now. Gotta go, please note the time.